Chogeys United

Last week (or the week before…it’s difficult to pinpoint the actual date as the Chogey timeline is typically a blur of mind-numbing days interspersed by moments of pure hell), Chogeys United was broadsided by something completely unexpected—an award. While the details are still a bit sketchy, and the use of mind altering chemicals has not yet been completely ruled-out, The Ominous Comma included CU bestowed the “Thinking Blog” award to CU and a few other “worthy” blogs (listed below)

• Scrambled Toast
• It Came from Allen’s Brain
• Mattress Police
• Life in M-Town

The elation of being awarded ANYTHING, much less something that included the word “thinking”, was soon replaced by suspicion and then outright paranoia. Don’t get me wrong, we at CU are certainly proud of our cynical, infrequent, and often infantile posts. Our charter to create a place for all disgruntled and disenfranchised employees worldwide is noble. The suspicion resulting from kudos is from the knowledge that the execution of our charter is lackluster…at best.

I took some time to review the other blogs receiving the award…and was humbled. Each site had a different flavor, but they all shared a common theme of well-constructed, mature (not is a dirty way), and often insightful posts. In contrast, Chogeys United’s content is defined by putting forth the least amount of effort and thought required to avoid plagiarism and get a chuckle from curious onlookers.

That being said, we appreciate the award!

Source: Webtown

The fluorescent lights flicker, tentatively crackling at first, but then sputtering into full brilliance. The gentle humming marks and pale, color-draining light marks the beginning of the day in our office ecosystem.

There is little activity as most of the workplace dwellers are either still asleep, strengthening their bodies in vain preparation for challenging the Alpha, or securing precious caffeine to heighten their senses against ruthless predators.

The workplace is not completely devoid of life, however. A lone inhabitant leisurely plods through the cube mazes with a confidence (or apathy) that has been earned by years of tracking the patterns of smarter, faster, and stronger office dwellers. This hulking beast, clad in too-tight shirts, polyester pants, and clip-on ties, is the “Fogey”.

The “Fogey” is an interesting chogey sub-class and an enigma to science. By all measurable traits, the “Fogey” is the easiest prey in the office. They are typically overweight, plodding, and frequently announce their position with hacks, snorts, and other sundry expulsions. And yet, the “Fogey” is defined by their age and tenure in the office. There are two prevailing theories as to the survivability of the “Fogey”.

The Tainted Mojo Theory: This theory states that the office predators (especially the “Evil Oppressors”) avoid the “Fogey” out of fear that its taint of failure and mediocrity will somehow be transferred to them if they come into contact. Evil Oppressors typically use lower-ranking members of its pack (i.e. middle management) to isolate “Fogeys” through assigning menial tasks that preclude any interaction with others. This theory also explains the origin of Accounting/Finance. This theory is the most widely accepted…with the only opposition coming from those in Accounting/Finance.

The No-Mercy Theory: Another popular theory is that office predators consider taking down a “Fogey” as an act of mercy. While not as popular as the Tainted Mojo Theory, this theory has some compelling supporting evidence. First, it is universally accepted that office predators (especially Evil Oppressors) are not only completely devoid of mercy, but often go to great lengths in tormenting their prey over an extended period of time. Further, the “Fogey”’s torment is usually spread out over years and by several predators. This theory suggests that the “Fogey” torment is almost an heirloom or birthright passed down several generations of Evil Oppressors. This theory is certainly worthy of more study.

While research into the survivability of the “Fogey” is making progress, little is known about the early lives of “Fogeys”. It is known that “Fogeys” evolve from another chogey sub-class…but no one has been able to map this evolution with any accuracy. Until more is know, ALL chogeys must be vigilant against getting on the road to fogeydom.

The modern day office is a complex ecosystem that is home to both prey and predator. Management struts with impunity through the Cubicle Plains with few threats…while Chogeys cower and group together in a desperate attempt to keep their ilk sheltered from the frequent attacks against their ranks. Much like the mercats of the African Serengeti, Chogeys have specialized in order to ensure the long term survivability of the breed. The first Chogey sub-class we will explore is the “Bogey”.

Description: The primary role of the “Bogey” is to distract management attention away from the activities of the pack. While the root causes elude scientists, Bogeys typically receive immediate attention by Predatorial Management upon introduction to the environment. Common characteristics include an inability to use PowerPoint effectively, fix “PC LOAD LETTER” errors, or remember the difference between Venti Skim Machiatos and Double-Shot Grande Lattes.

Regardless of the source of their problems, the bumblings of Bogeys allow other Chogeys to focus on their work within the community. The lifespan of a Bogey is comparatively brief…but their sacrifice is crucial for the survival of The Pack.

This guy has taken Beer Goggles from “concept” to “reality”. I’m thinking Nobel Prize…

Being a Roaming Chogey, I usually find myself in a nearly-deserted airport when the last remnants of weekend bliss wear off. Today, the haze cleared around 5am in Dulles International Airport when a fellow business traveler asked me (completely without provocation or any indication I was interested in smalltalk), “Early enough for ya?” Apparently not expecting a response, the balding middle-aged khaki-clad business warrior focused on his laptop, ran his fingers through his comb over, and commerced with hammering out slides filled with chevrons and vapid text.

Instead of engaging in what would have UNDOUBTEDLY been riveting conversation, I sat dumbfounded and tried to think of a response that was equally as meaningless. I remained silent, unable to maintain the verbal volley…and the phrase “Looks like someone has a case of the MUN-days” ran through my thoughts like some demented do-loop. When I finally found my mental CTRL-Z, I started wondering why meaningful and sincere conversation was being replaced by a haphazardly-weaved tapestry of buzzwords and cliches.

I don’t profess to have the answer and I am honest enough to enter a “guilty” plea when it comes to avoiding an honest exchange that dares to dig deeper than the last article I read in some trade rag. Sharing original thoughts and opinions requires actually HAVING them…of building a foundation of understanding and then taking the time to create something new. Who has the time for that when it’s far simpler to parrot others?

The realization hit me as I got up(pretending to take an important phone call) and relocated to a position that afforded me the solitude required for such Big Head Thinking. The Meaningless Exchange (ME) feeds the basic, human need for interaction while completely shielding us from accountability, criticism, and challenges presented by opposing views. Hell, who is going to argue with something that came from “The Economist”…even if it’s taken completely out of context and horribly misquoted? The odds are in favor that the unfortunate recipient of said outburst isn’t the author, has read the article, or is even remotely interested (much less informed) on the topic at hand.

We nod politely, utter some inane response like “Hmmm…that’s interesting” or “I think I read that somewhere”, and may even respond with some re-manufactured tid-bit that stretches that standards of relevance. Doing so put us in full compliance with the unspoken Accord of Professional Smalltalk. Our egos remain intact and we can add another tick to our networking tally. The only casualty is another missed opportunity to step out of the “comfort zone”, learn something new. and momentarily shed the facade most of us put up when we have to wear our “grown up” clothes.

This insight was cut short when the gate agent announced the commencement of pre-boarding for preferred passengers and those requiring additional assistance with boarding. As I queued up with the rest of “Seating 2″, Khaki-Man and I shared the obligatory raised eyebrow acknowledgment and silently boarded the plane. Focused on the availability of overhead space, we are saved from thoughts of what could have been.

Chogeys of the World (and curious onlookers), we here at Chogeys United would like to take a moment to apologize for the brief disruption in content you’ve experienced (or not) over the past few days. While it would be nice to blame the delay on technical difficulties or managing the delicate work-life balance…the truth is much more mundane and typical of a true chogey. We simply underestimated the effort required to generate meaningful, well-written content that ANYONE would find interesting.

It would be easy (and probably accurate) to attribute this to simple laziness…but a real chogey is never content with placing blame inwardly. Laziness and a complete lack of follow-through are not simply character flaws, but rather symptoms of a disease spread by crappy jobs, idiot bosses, and days filled with performing inane tasks.

Unfortunately, this disease has received virtually no attention from the established medical community. While the cure remains elusive, many chogeys report temporary relief by engaging in group therapy (i.e. happy hours), subtle workplace subversion (i.e. gossip), and avoiding any activity that is even remotely productive.

We here at CU will try our hardest to not let this affliction get the best of us. While the quality and frequency of our posts may be sub-par when compared to sites featuring cute animal pictures (link)…please keep in mind we’re fighting a much nobler battle. =o)

If there is one common experience that unifies chogeys worldwide, it is the quiet, almost desperate resignation that they have the “worst. job. ever.” While it is probably healthier to look for the positive aspects of one’s current tour in chogeydom, finding the “silver lining” requires two traits that are often the first workplace casualties: hope and perspective. Therefore, the only viable alternative is to find jobs that are MUCH worse in comparison. This week’s “Jobs Worse than Yours”: martyr.

A common definition of a martyr is one who suffers (and often dies) for the sake of principle. On the surface, there is a pretty big upside to the whole martyrdom gig. The A-List martyrs typically secure a place in history, are prime candidates for sainthood (if they’re Christian), and usually are sold a pretty sweet setup in the afterlife (72 virgins, anyone).

Also, martyrs commonly don’t have to worry about when and how they are going to die. That is a pretty big source of stress for most people. Not martyrs, though. I mean, we ALL die ANYWAY…so why not go out with a bang (or crackle if you’re Joan of Arc) and be remembered throughout history? Sure, most martyrs would probably agree that it can get a little nasty and uncomfortable towards the end…but a place in history doesn’t come easy…unless, of course, you are a steroid-enhanced professional athlete getting ready to break some inane record.

Before you run out and grab that can of accelerant, consider the downsides of martyrdom. First, you almost HAVE to die–often in a horrific and terribly painful way–to be considered a martyr. Second, advances in abnormal psychology have created a pretty substantial “grey area” for the whole God-spoke-to-me thing. I don’t know about you, but I’d consider giving the meds a chance…just to make damn sure it was GOD talking to me and not bad brain chemistry. Finally, martyrdom is usually a one-shot deal that leaves in a less-than-desirable negotiation position. A charred corpse doesn’t have much leverage.

All things considered, martyrdom’s uncertain rewards, small margin of acceptable error, and gruesome end probably make it a worse job than yours.

Do YOU feel like the most evolved person in your workspace? If so, you might be a Chogey.

Since my company forced me to take harassment training (which really I am happy about because now I know how to be a better harasser), I think we should take a moment to recognize the other half of chogeyboy. I will not go so far as to call it chogeygirl, because that would not be in the spirit of CB and just plain stupid. But, I do fully recognize that women possess the talents to be full on members of Chogeyboy. And this photo goes a long way toward saying it better than I ever could.

Provide the funniest ending to this caption and earn the respect you deserve…oh…and a t-shirt:

“Bill’s efforts to improve his productivity went awry when…”

If you hate your job and believe you are over-educated and underappreciated…you’re in the right place! Chogeys United needs you! While Chogey6 and I are dedicated to providing the foundation for the Chogey Revolution…we’ve vastly underestimated the effort required to provide the quality content YOU deserve.

Sure, we could try harder…spend a little more time to actually create compelling content to build a community…but we’ve decided to label that “Plan B”…and explore options that provide more opportunities for front line reports from chogeys in the field.

What does that mean to you? The short answer is: fame, recognition, and the adoration of chogeys worldwide for years to come. Our selection criteria are few and flexible. If you’ve happened upon this site…you’ve already passed the toughest test. From this point, you just need to raise your hand, step up to the challenge…and glory is yours for the taking.

Stake out your claim in Chogeydom by becoming an official contributor. If you pass our exhaustive screening process, you’ll get a KICK ASS t-shirt…oh, and all that glory stuff I mentioned earlier.

Apply HERE…or become a thumb-sucking inhabitant of Loserville!

Since we are on the topic of Defeat, I thought I would add in a copy of a favorite Despair, Inc. http://despair.com/ product. You guys over there can thank me for the free ad whenver you like.

Flickr Link to Artist (KatieW)

For the record: sucking your thumb is cause for automatic expulsion from the Brotherhood of Chogeys. In fact, I believe you’d get your ass whooped in most Chogey Circles. Just sayin’…

On the road of career progression, many chogeys mistakingly take the exit to “Loserville”. Be extremely careful if you find yourself surrounded by those eager to make copies, fetch coffee, wear undersized shirts, and voluntarily explore comb-over options; as these are signs you have entered “Loserville”.

While the Path of the Chogey inevitably leads to such career backwater locales as Loserville, exercise the same caution you would in the Deep South. Stop long enough the refuel, never travel in teams of less than two, and NEVER ask for directions from the locals.

Been there? Get the T-Shirt!

I admire the guys in uniform as much as anyone. But, when I see colonels making coffee day after day, and answering phones and managing calendars for generals….I have to ask myself WTF?

Question: How is it a person with 19 years Army experience, and a combat veteran is triple booking meetings in microsoft office? Answer: Because Chogeyism is everwhere.

Have you been looking for an opportunity to rant about your Evil Oppressor to the world (or a few thousand curious onlookers that have stubmled upon CU)?

If so, send a description of his/her crimes against Chogeydom…and a picture (if possible). The winner (by popular opinion this time) will get recognition…and an overpriced t-shirt.

For an example, click here.

In order to truly appreciate Fridays, try to get in touch with your Inner Peter…ummm…wait…

“Lumburgh, can’t you see I’m pretty busy right now?”

Just a brief one to see if anyone can relate. I am going to call this the Seagull form of management. Boss comes in and issues a “hot task.” I know it’s bs, so I work hard for 20 minutes and knock it out. Then, I act like I am working hard for the rest of the day. Then, by day end, he flies in, shits all over everything, then flies out. A swoop and poop. So, then, I had to spend time that I should have been at the bar, to get this thing done before it has to go to the president.

It is common knowledge that Friday is the undisputed best day of the traditional 5-day work week. Conventional wisdom suggests the cause for Friday’s adulation is rather mundane—two days away from the work place. While that is ESSENTIALLY true, I think there is a deeper, more mystical cause for Friday’s “goodness”.

To support this assertion, I spoken with many chogeys that report having experienced NWEs (near weekend experiences) when they wake up on Friday. Regardless of their culture, race, religion (except Evangelical Christians), profession, or level of education; these individuals recount visions of lounging, sleeping in late, poor hygiene, casual sex, and consequence-free alcohol consumption. They describe this as an almost-timeless bliss…where they are free to explore hobbies and personal interests! While scientists contend this may be stress-induced hallucinations, I like to think it’s a “taster” of the afterlife…or, at least, the after-work-life. At the very least, I believe it is proof that a Greater Power exists.

In an effort to avoid derision, ridicule, and physical assault; I’ve never actually uttered the words “Thank God It’s Friday”…or “TGIF” if you’re into the whole brevity thing. But deep in my soul I suspect that Friday’s are the gateway to an existence The Big Kahuna intended for us. They lead to a time of true free-will and happiness…however brief it may seem. Perhaps it is God’s way of bringing us all together in joyous, unshaven unity in an effort to forget our petty differences, our Evil Oppressors, and the depressing reality of our work-week lives.

I believe that Friday—and the promise it holds beyond its threshold—is the ONLY thing that could bring atheists, pastafarians, Christians (except Fundamentalists), Buddhists, Catholics, Jews, and all the other made-up fake religions together in unison to give God (the REAL one) mad props. It’s this mystical unification that has earned Friday its title of “The Weekend’s Pearly Gates”.