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The Billion Dollar Button (that Doesn’t Exist…Yet) August 6, 2014

Posted by pointyhead in humor, pictures, work sucks.
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unsendInterested in sending scathing, profanity-rich emails without fear of reprisal?

Have you woken up “the morning after” and wish to eradicate all evidence of drunk-emailing?

Have you experienced the flop sweats associated with realizing (a second too late) you hit “reply all”?

If so, the UN-Send button is for you! With a single press of the UN-Send button, wield God-like powers to eliminate ALL traces of any email sent.

Standby for what is bound to be the most successful Kickstarter campaign in history!

If “Work” Hired a PR Firm: Ad #1 July 28, 2014

Posted by pointyhead in "Work's" Ad Campaign, humor, pictures, work sucks.
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work-funding the trip

Missile Command: An Autobigraphical Depiction of My Life July 28, 2014

Posted by pointyhead in humor, pictures, work sucks.

Missile Command-My Life

Mornings + People = Suck July 9, 2014

Posted by pointyhead in humor, pictures, work sucks.
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Jobs Worse Than Yours: The 1-Man Walking Starbucks June 12, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in bad jobs, humor, pictures, work sucks.
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Source: Webtown

Workplace Role: The “Fogey” June 5, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey, pictures, signs you are a chogey, work sucks.
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The fluorescent lights flicker, tentatively crackling at first, but then sputtering into full brilliance. The gentle humming marks and pale, color-draining light marks the beginning of the day in our office ecosystem.

There is little activity as most of the workplace dwellers are either still asleep, strengthening their bodies in vain preparation for challenging the Alpha, or securing precious caffeine to heighten their senses against ruthless predators.

The workplace is not completely devoid of life, however. A lone inhabitant leisurely plods through the cube mazes with a confidence (or apathy) that has been earned by years of tracking the patterns of smarter, faster, and stronger office dwellers. This hulking beast, clad in too-tight shirts, polyester pants, and clip-on ties, is the “Fogey”.

The “Fogey” is an interesting chogey sub-class and an enigma to science. By all measurable traits, the “Fogey” is the easiest prey in the office. They are typically overweight, plodding, and frequently announce their position with hacks, snorts, and other sundry expulsions. And yet, the “Fogey” is defined by their age and tenure in the office. There are two prevailing theories as to the survivability of the “Fogey”.

The Tainted Mojo Theory: This theory states that the office predators (especially the “Evil Oppressors”) avoid the “Fogey” out of fear that its taint of failure and mediocrity will somehow be transferred to them if they come into contact. Evil Oppressors typically use lower-ranking members of its pack (i.e. middle management) to isolate “Fogeys” through assigning menial tasks that preclude any interaction with others. This theory also explains the origin of Accounting/Finance. This theory is the most widely accepted…with the only opposition coming from those in Accounting/Finance.

The No-Mercy Theory: Another popular theory is that office predators consider taking down a “Fogey” as an act of mercy. While not as popular as the Tainted Mojo Theory, this theory has some compelling supporting evidence. First, it is universally accepted that office predators (especially Evil Oppressors) are not only completely devoid of mercy, but often go to great lengths in tormenting their prey over an extended period of time. Further, the “Fogey”‘s torment is usually spread out over years and by several predators. This theory suggests that the “Fogey” torment is almost an heirloom or birthright passed down several generations of Evil Oppressors. This theory is certainly worthy of more study.

While research into the survivability of the “Fogey” is making progress, little is known about the early lives of “Fogeys”. It is known that “Fogeys” evolve from another chogey sub-class…but no one has been able to map this evolution with any accuracy. Until more is know, ALL chogeys must be vigilant against getting on the road to fogeydom.

Workplace Role: The “Bogey” May 27, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey, Rules of Chogeyness, signs you are a chogey, work sucks.
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The modern day office is a complex ecosystem that is home to both prey and predator. Management struts with impunity through the Cubicle Plains with few threats…while Chogeys cower and group together in a desperate attempt to keep their ilk sheltered from the frequent attacks against their ranks. Much like the mercats of the African Serengeti, Chogeys have specialized in order to ensure the long term survivability of the breed. The first Chogey sub-class we will explore is the “Bogey”.

Description: The primary role of the “Bogey” is to distract management attention away from the activities of the pack. While the root causes elude scientists, Bogeys typically receive immediate attention by Predatorial Management upon introduction to the environment. Common characteristics include an inability to use PowerPoint effectively, fix “PC LOAD LETTER” errors, or remember the difference between Venti Skim Machiatos and Double-Shot Grande Lattes.

Regardless of the source of their problems, the bumblings of Bogeys allow other Chogeys to focus on their work within the community. The lifespan of a Bogey is comparatively brief…but their sacrifice is crucial for the survival of The Pack.

“Case of the Mondays”: The Unfortunate Trend Towards Meaningless Conversation May 22, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey, unacceptable phrases, work sucks.

Being a Roaming Chogey, I usually find myself in a nearly-deserted airport when the last remnants of weekend bliss wear off. Today, the haze cleared around 5am in Dulles International Airport when a fellow business traveler asked me (completely without provocation or any indication I was interested in smalltalk), “Early enough for ya?” Apparently not expecting a response, the balding middle-aged khaki-clad business warrior focused on his laptop, ran his fingers through his comb over, and commerced with hammering out slides filled with chevrons and vapid text.

Instead of engaging in what would have UNDOUBTEDLY been riveting conversation, I sat dumbfounded and tried to think of a response that was equally as meaningless. I remained silent, unable to maintain the verbal volley…and the phrase “Looks like someone has a case of the MUN-days” ran through my thoughts like some demented do-loop. When I finally found my mental CTRL-Z, I started wondering why meaningful and sincere conversation was being replaced by a haphazardly-weaved tapestry of buzzwords and cliches.

I don’t profess to have the answer and I am honest enough to enter a “guilty” plea when it comes to avoiding an honest exchange that dares to dig deeper than the last article I read in some trade rag. Sharing original thoughts and opinions requires actually HAVING them…of building a foundation of understanding and then taking the time to create something new. Who has the time for that when it’s far simpler to parrot others?

The realization hit me as I got up(pretending to take an important phone call) and relocated to a position that afforded me the solitude required for such Big Head Thinking. The Meaningless Exchange (ME) feeds the basic, human need for interaction while completely shielding us from accountability, criticism, and challenges presented by opposing views. Hell, who is going to argue with something that came from “The Economist”…even if it’s taken completely out of context and horribly misquoted? The odds are in favor that the unfortunate recipient of said outburst isn’t the author, has read the article, or is even remotely interested (much less informed) on the topic at hand.

We nod politely, utter some inane response like “Hmmm…that’s interesting” or “I think I read that somewhere”, and may even respond with some re-manufactured tid-bit that stretches that standards of relevance. Doing so put us in full compliance with the unspoken Accord of Professional Smalltalk. Our egos remain intact and we can add another tick to our networking tally. The only casualty is another missed opportunity to step out of the “comfort zone”, learn something new. and momentarily shed the facade most of us put up when we have to wear our “grown up” clothes.

This insight was cut short when the gate agent announced the commencement of pre-boarding for preferred passengers and those requiring additional assistance with boarding. As I queued up with the rest of “Seating 2”, Khaki-Man and I shared the obligatory raised eyebrow acknowledgment and silently boarded the plane. Focused on the availability of overhead space, we are saved from thoughts of what could have been.

Pardon the Interruption May 22, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in life of a chogey, Rules of Chogeyness, work sucks.
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Chogeys of the World (and curious onlookers), we here at Chogeys United would like to take a moment to apologize for the brief disruption in content you’ve experienced (or not) over the past few days. While it would be nice to blame the delay on technical difficulties or managing the delicate work-life balance…the truth is much more mundane and typical of a true chogey. We simply underestimated the effort required to generate meaningful, well-written content that ANYONE would find interesting.

It would be easy (and probably accurate) to attribute this to simple laziness…but a real chogey is never content with placing blame inwardly. Laziness and a complete lack of follow-through are not simply character flaws, but rather symptoms of a disease spread by crappy jobs, idiot bosses, and days filled with performing inane tasks.

Unfortunately, this disease has received virtually no attention from the established medical community. While the cure remains elusive, many chogeys report temporary relief by engaging in group therapy (i.e. happy hours), subtle workplace subversion (i.e. gossip), and avoiding any activity that is even remotely productive.

We here at CU will try our hardest to not let this affliction get the best of us. While the quality and frequency of our posts may be sub-par when compared to sites featuring cute animal pictures (link)…please keep in mind we’re fighting a much nobler battle. =o)

Jobs Worse than Yours: Martyr May 15, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in bad jobs, work sucks.
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If there is one common experience that unifies chogeys worldwide, it is the quiet, almost desperate resignation that they have the “worst. job. ever.” While it is probably healthier to look for the positive aspects of one’s current tour in chogeydom, finding the “silver lining” requires two traits that are often the first workplace casualties: hope and perspective. Therefore, the only viable alternative is to find jobs that are MUCH worse in comparison. This week’s “Jobs Worse than Yours”: martyr.

A common definition of a martyr is one who suffers (and often dies) for the sake of principle. On the surface, there is a pretty big upside to the whole martyrdom gig. The A-List martyrs typically secure a place in history, are prime candidates for sainthood (if they’re Christian), and usually are sold a pretty sweet setup in the afterlife (72 virgins, anyone).

Also, martyrs commonly don’t have to worry about when and how they are going to die. That is a pretty big source of stress for most people. Not martyrs, though. I mean, we ALL die ANYWAY…so why not go out with a bang (or crackle if you’re Joan of Arc) and be remembered throughout history? Sure, most martyrs would probably agree that it can get a little nasty and uncomfortable towards the end…but a place in history doesn’t come easy…unless, of course, you are a steroid-enhanced professional athlete getting ready to break some inane record.

Before you run out and grab that can of accelerant, consider the downsides of martyrdom. First, you almost HAVE to die–often in a horrific and terribly painful way–to be considered a martyr. Second, advances in abnormal psychology have created a pretty substantial “grey area” for the whole God-spoke-to-me thing. I don’t know about you, but I’d consider giving the meds a chance…just to make damn sure it was GOD talking to me and not bad brain chemistry. Finally, martyrdom is usually a one-shot deal that leaves in a less-than-desirable negotiation position. A charred corpse doesn’t have much leverage.

All things considered, martyrdom’s uncertain rewards, small margin of acceptable error, and gruesome end probably make it a worse job than yours.

Chogeyboy Goes Coed! May 9, 2007

Posted by chogey6 in Chogeys in the Field, life of a chogey, pictures, work sucks.
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Since my company forced me to take harassment training (which really I am happy about because now I know how to be a better harasser), I think we should take a moment to recognize the other half of chogeyboy. I will not go so far as to call it chogeygirl, because that would not be in the spirit of CB and just plain stupid. But, I do fully recognize that women possess the talents to be full on members of Chogeyboy. And this photo goes a long way toward saying it better than I ever could.


Productivity Taken Too Far May 9, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in contest, humor, pictures, work sucks.

Provide the funniest ending to this caption and earn the respect you deserve…oh…and a t-shirt:
“Bill’s efforts to improve his productivity went awry when…”

Yellow Stickies + Fetal Position + Thumb-Sucking = Workplace Defeat May 8, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey, pictures, work sucks.

Flickr Link to Artist (KatieW)

For the record: sucking your thumb is cause for automatic expulsion from the Brotherhood of Chogeys. In fact, I believe you’d get your ass whooped in most Chogey Circles. Just sayin’…

Avoid this Sign Post on YOUR road to Career Progression? May 8, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, pictures, signs you are a chogey, work sucks.

On the road of career progression, many chogeys mistakingly take the exit to “Loserville”. Be extremely careful if you find yourself surrounded by those eager to make copies, fetch coffee, wear undersized shirts, and voluntarily explore comb-over options; as these are signs you have entered “Loserville”.

While the Path of the Chogey inevitably leads to such career backwater locales as Loserville, exercise the same caution you would in the Deep South. Stop long enough the refuel, never travel in teams of less than two, and NEVER ask for directions from the locals.
Been there? Get the T-Shirt!

Contest: Worst. Boss. Ever May 4, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in contest, evil oppressors, humor, work sucks.

Have you been looking for an opportunity to rant about your Evil Oppressor to the world (or a few thousand curious onlookers that have stubmled upon CU)?

If so, send a description of his/her crimes against Chogeydom…and a picture (if possible). The winner (by popular opinion this time) will get recognition…and an overpriced t-shirt.

For an example, click here.

Friday: The Weekend’s Pearly Gates May 4, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey, work sucks.

It is common knowledge that Friday is the undisputed best day of the traditional 5-day work week. Conventional wisdom suggests the cause for Friday’s adulation is rather mundane—two days away from the work place. While that is ESSENTIALLY true, I think there is a deeper, more mystical cause for Friday’s “goodness”.

To support this assertion, I spoken with many chogeys that report having experienced NWEs (near weekend experiences) when they wake up on Friday. Regardless of their culture, race, religion (except Evangelical Christians), profession, or level of education; these individuals recount visions of lounging, sleeping in late, poor hygiene, casual sex, and consequence-free alcohol consumption. They describe this as an almost-timeless bliss…where they are free to explore hobbies and personal interests! While scientists contend this may be stress-induced hallucinations, I like to think it’s a “taster” of the afterlife…or, at least, the after-work-life. At the very least, I believe it is proof that a Greater Power exists.

In an effort to avoid derision, ridicule, and physical assault; I’ve never actually uttered the words “Thank God It’s Friday”…or “TGIF” if you’re into the whole brevity thing. But deep in my soul I suspect that Friday’s are the gateway to an existence The Big Kahuna intended for us. They lead to a time of true free-will and happiness…however brief it may seem. Perhaps it is God’s way of bringing us all together in joyous, unshaven unity in an effort to forget our petty differences, our Evil Oppressors, and the depressing reality of our work-week lives.

I believe that Friday—and the promise it holds beyond its threshold—is the ONLY thing that could bring atheists, pastafarians, Christians (except Fundamentalists), Buddhists, Catholics, Jews, and all the other made-up fake religions together in unison to give God (the REAL one) mad props. It’s this mystical unification that has earned Friday its title of “The Weekend’s Pearly Gates”.

A Thursday Epiphany May 3, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, pictures, work sucks.
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Original Link

Thursday: Friday’s “Pilot” May 3, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey, work sucks.
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I would like to say that the delay of today’s definition of “Thursdays for Chogeys” was intentional. A more adept writer could have used the delay to illustrate how things just take longer on Thursdays. According to yesterday’s highly-accurate graph, Thursdays are largely dedicated to surfing the internet and personal emails…with a little spacing-out thrown in for mental health. While such a delay is supported by empirical data, I personally believe it would not have done justice to Thursday’s TRUE nature. While the specific details of this morning’s activities hardly warrant discussion, I CAN tell you that magenta toner is difficult to wash off of one’s hands…and impossible to remove from a white shirt (facts that most Office Chogeys probably already know). With that crisis behind me, and only a faint carcinogenic hue on my hands…I sit here (shirtless) and ready to give you…[drum roll]…Thursday: Friday’s “Pilot”. That preamble probably bored most to tears…and will leave those remaining sadly disappointed by what follows.

As most Application Develop Chogeys (ADC for short) know, a “pilot” is often used to ensure a smooth deployment for high-visibility/highly-important products. I submit that there are few activities that are more important to a Chogey than Fridays. Friday is not only the gateway to the weekend, but also an important weekly milestone–survival of yet another week.

The reckless amongst our ranks may contend that a pilot is unnecessary for something as beautiful, magnificent, and recurring as a Friday. They may ask: “how hard is it to avoid work all day”? On the surface, it is a reasonable question. However, the truth is much more complicated. Simple avoidance of work (especially on a Friday) is not that difficult. True chogeys hone that skill into what can only be described as an art. What the reckless fail to recognize is that work avoidance is only a means to an end. The “end game” is laying the plans in place to optimize the weekend. This optimization requires extending work avoidance to anything even RESEMBLING work (e.g. chores, yard work, bills, quality time with the significant other, etc.) for two whole days with minimal effort. A daunting task, even for the adept. It is therefore essential to run a pilot. And that’s why God gave us Thursdays.

Actual pilot activities will differ from chogey to chogey, but there are some common critical success factors to consider:

1) If there is a chance your boss may require you to work on the weekend, Thursdays are the absolute LATEST to manufacture, “battle harden”, and subtly share excuses with the Evil Oppressor. Family (including the significant other) is ALWAYS a good fallback, but be careful not to overdo it. Try to throw in athletic events and volunteer work to avoid suspicion and make you appear more well-rounded than you are.

2) Take advantage of Thursday Happy Hours…especially work-related ones. EOs frequently like to have “team building” events on Thursdays that may involve the consumption of alcohol. ATTEND THESE! While it’s important to build the Buzz Foundation, don’t go overboard. It is more important to get the EO drunk and claim he/she cleared your weekend while they were in a state of dimished capacity.

3) Use your several hours of personal emailing to make coordinate mutual alibis with your Chogey Network. If you said you’re doing volunteer work, have a trusted chogey act as a front. I’m not suggesting that you outright lie, but a Saturday drinking beer at a fellow chogey’s house could be “reframed” into “helping an associate work through a challenge supply management problem”. This gives the appearance of building your personal network and voluntarily expanding skills that may be outside of your sweet spot–all of which make EOs drool.

4) Finally, create a “slug stopper” for a piece of medium-importance work that your EO has asked for in the past. While the EO may have forgotten about (or never even explicitly assigned you) the task…through a few slides/pages together that are JUST good enough to be accepted by the EO and subsequently placed in “the pile” or better yet the trash. This makes the EO think you’ve been working all week and that you are actively seeking their guidance and assistance. It’s like jingling keys in front of a baby. Don’t worry, a true EO will never read the content.

While there are countless other techniques employed by chogeys worldwide, these 4 should be considered “must dos”. Feel free to share your own…a good one may get a t-shirt!

Classic Chogey Moment: I Want Breakfast May 2, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in famous chogeys, Videos, work sucks.
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Morale of the story: Chogey + Firearms – Breakfast = Bad

The Not-So-Great Escape May 2, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in contest, humor, pictures, work sucks.

Create the funniest ending to this caption and win an overpriced t-shirt!

“Much to Tom’s chagrin, his escape was thwarted when he tunneled into…”

Link to “original” post.