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Quotes About Work

Of course our jobs suck…we are Chogeys. Use this space to share your war stories with your fellow Choges.

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1. pointyhead - May 1, 2007

Some great quotes about work from the great people over at WhyWork.us?

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?
–Don Marquis (1878 – 1937)

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
–Richard Bach

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
–Robert Frost

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
–Homer Simpson

There’s a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren’t doing what you love, then what’s the point?
–Jim Carrey Actor

Work – other people’s work – is an intolerable idea to a cat. Can you picture cats herding sheep or agreeing to pull a cart? They will not inconvenience themselves to the slightest degree.
–Dr. Louis J. Camuti

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
–Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC)

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
–Bertrand Russell (1872 – 1970)

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.
–Albert Schweitzer

Chose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
–Confucius

I never worked a day in my life. It’s not work when you love what you’re doing.
–David Shakarian

A tremendous number of people in America work very hard at something that bores them. Even a rich man thinks he has to go down to the office everyday. Not because he likes it but because he can’t think of anything else to do.
–W.H. Auden

When work is a pleasure, life is joy! When work is a duty, life is slavery.
–Maxim Gorky

More men are killed by overwork than the importance of the world justifies.
– Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
– Phyllis Diller

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
–Steve Martin (1945- )

Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!
–Calvin and Hobbes

If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.
–Homer Simpson

One of the saddest things is that the thing a man can do for eight hours a day, day after day, is work. You can’t eat for eight hours a day, nor drink for eight hours a day, nor make love for eight hours a day. All you can do for eight hours is work.
–William Faulkner (1897-1962)

Don’t worry about the job you don’t like. Someone else will soon have it.
–Unknown

Ulcers are contagious. You can get them from your boss.
–Unknown

The most dangerous position in which to sleep is with your feet on your office desk.
– Unknown

Some workers are trying to make both weekends meet.
–Unknown

There is nothing so pleasing to the typical manager as the sound of his own voice echoing through the empty heads of an ignorant workforce.
–John Mitchell (1870-1919)

Overwork: n., a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.
– Ambrose Bierce

The finest amusements are the most pointless ones.
–Jacques Chardonne

They talk of the dignity of work. Bosh. The dignity is in leisure.
–Herman Melville

Leave all the afternoon for exercise and recreation, which are as necessary as reading. I will rather say more necessary because health is worth more than learning.
– Thomas Jefferson

Leisure and curiosity might soon make great advances in useful knowledge, were they not diverted by minute emulation and laborious trifles.
–Samuel Johnson

In itself and in its consequences the life of leisure is beautiful and ennobling in all civilised men’s eyes.
–Thorstein Veblen

It is in his pleasure that a man really lives; it is from his leisure that he constructs the true fabric of self.
–Agnes Repplier

He enjoys true leisure who has time to improve his soul’s estate.
–Henry David Thoreau

Any notion of the serious life of leisure, as well as men’s taste and capacity to live it, has disappeared. Leisure [has become] entertainment.
–Allan Bloom, The Closing of the American Mind, 1987

I would not exchange my leisure hours for all the wealth in the world.
–Comte de Mirabeau

There is no more fatal blunderer than he who consumes the greater part of his life getting his living.
–Henry David Thoreau

They intoxicate themselves with work so they won’t see how they really are.
–Aldous Huxley

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
–Bertrand Russell

For every dollar the boss has and didn’t work for, one of us worked for a dollar and didn’t get it.
–Big Bill Heywood

Self-Made Man: n. A businessman with a fortune of $10 million who started life under the handicap of inheriting a mere $1 million.
–Robert Tefton

Formerly the master selected the slave; today the slave selects the master.
–Albert Parsons

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
–Oscar Wilde

One thing more dangerous than getting between a grizzly sow and her cub is getting between a businessman and a dollar bill.
–Edward Abbey

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
–Robert Frost

We are always getting ready to live, but not really living.
–Ralph Waldo Emerson

Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.
–Oscar Wilde

A bad day on the golf course is better than a good day at work.
–Anonymous

If hard work was such a wonderful thing, the rich would have kept it for themselves.
–Lane Kirkland

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job; and heaven knows I’m miserable now
–The Smiths (song lyrics)

2. pointyhead - May 1, 2007

Bob Slydell: I’ll be honest with you, I love his music, I do, I’m a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, I don’t know if it gets any better than when he sings “When a Man Loves a Woman”.
________________________________________
Tom Smykowski: It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor… and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO.
Michael Bolton: That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life, Tom.
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.
________________________________________
Samir: This is a… fuck!
________________________________________
Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What’s happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I’ve already taken care of it so it’s not even really a problem anymore.
Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It’s just we’re putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that’d be great. All right!
________________________________________
Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second, please?
Peter Gibbons: OK.
Bob Slydell: What if – and believe me this is a hypothetical – but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t know, I guess. Listen, I’m gonna go. It’s been really nice talking to both of you guys.
Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure’s all on this side of the table, trust me.
Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.
Bob Porter: Excellent.
Bob Slydell: Great… Wow.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: [about the plan to steal from Initech] Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this but us, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
Samir: Of course.
Michael Bolton: Agreed,
Lawrence: [from the next apartment through the wall] Don’t worry, man. I won’t tell anyone either.
Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, don’t worry about him. He’s cool.
________________________________________
Lawrence: We still goin’ fishin’ this weekend?
Peter Gibbons: Nah, Lumbergh’s gonna have me come in on Saturday, I just know it.
Lawrence: Well, you can get out of that easily.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah? How?
Lawrence: Well, when a boss wants you to work on Saturday he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Lawrence: So, all you gotta do is avoid him… on the last few hours on Friday, duck out early, turn off your answering machine… you should be home free, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s a really good idea.
Lawrence: Fuckin’ A, man!
________________________________________
[Peter and Lawrence are working on the crew cleaning up the burned Initech building]
Peter Gibbons: This isn’t so bad, huh? Makin’ bucks, gettin’ exercise, workin’ outside.
Lawrence: Fuckin’ A.
Peter Gibbons: [nods] Fuckin’ A.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: What if we’re still doin’ this when we’re 50?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh’s gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I’m gonna end up doin’ it, because, uh…
[nods]
Peter Gibbons: because I’m a big pussy… which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don’t consider myself a pussy, OK?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.
________________________________________
[Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting as they hang around the printer]
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you’d do if you had a million dollars and you didn’t have to work. And invariably what you’d say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you’re supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that’s why I’m working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you’re working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there’d be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities…
Michael Bolton: Samir, you’re missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you’re supposed to figure out what you would want to do if…
[printer starts beeping]
Michael Bolton: “PC Load Letter”? What the fuck does that mean?
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.
Bob Porter: Don’t… don’t care?
Peter Gibbons: It’s a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don’t see another dime; so where’s the motivation? And here’s something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That’s my only real motivation is not to be hassled; that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
________________________________________
Joanna: How dare you judge me? I mean what are you? You think you’re some kind of, like, angel here? No, you’re just this penny-stealing… wanna-be criminal… man.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh.
________________________________________
Lawrence: [shouting through the wall from his apartment] Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9, check out this chick.
________________________________________
Samir: No, not again. I… why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I’m not armed.
Samir: Piece of shit.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit.
________________________________________
Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It’s not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn’t Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there’s nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it… until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm… well why don’t you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He’s the one who sucks.
________________________________________
Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In… yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What’s that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh… it doesn’t really matter. I uh, I don’t like my job, and, uh, I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You’re just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won’t you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t know, but I really don’t like it, and, uh, I’m not gonna go.
Joanna: So you’re gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh… I’m just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really? About an hour ago… so you’re gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t think I’d like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and…
Peter Gibbons: You know, I’ve never really liked paying bills. I don’t think I’m gonna do that, either.
Joanna: Well, so what do you wanna do?
Peter Gibbons: I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch ‘Kung Fu’. Do you ever watch ‘Kung Fu’?
Joanna: I love ‘Kung Fu’.
Peter Gibbons: Channel 39.
Joanna: Totally.
Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch ‘Kung Fu’ tonight.
Joanna: Ok. Ok. Can we order lunch first? Ok.
________________________________________
Bob Slydell: You see, what we’re actually trying to do here is, we’re trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work… so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door – that way Lumbergh can’t see me, heh heh – and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
________________________________________
Bob Slydell: I’d like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now we had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that’s just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.
________________________________________
Steve: Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
________________________________________
Michael Bolton: We get caught laundering money, we’re not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We’re going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.
Samir: I don’t want to go to ANY prison!
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, you awake?
Lawrence: Yeah.
Peter Gibbons: You wanna come over?
Lawrence: No, thanks, man. I don’t want you fucking up my life, too.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that’s messed up.
________________________________________
Bob Porter: Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn’t say I’ve been *missing* it, Bob.
________________________________________
Bob Slydell: Milton Waddams.
Dom Portwood: Who’s he?
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can’t actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won’t be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it’ll just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: You’re gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we’re gonna bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that’s the usual deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it’s always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there’s less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.
________________________________________
Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone] And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m, I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…
________________________________________
Nina: Now Milton, don’t be greedy, let’s pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: Yeah, but last time I didn’t receive a piece. And I was told…
Nina: Just pass.
[while the cake passes Milton mutters – eventually everybody but Milton gets a piece]
Milton Waddams: [muttering] I could set the building on fire.
________________________________________
Nina: Now, Milton. Don’t be greedy. Pass the cake along so everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: Last time, I did not recieve a piece, and I was told that I…
Nina: Just pass.
Milton Waddams: Oh. Okay.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something, when you come in on Monday, and you’re not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?
Lawrence: No… no man, shit, no man, I believe you’d get your ass kicked saying something like that man.
________________________________________
Bill Lumbergh: Milt, we’re gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?
Milton Waddams: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler…
________________________________________
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass…
Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.
[Under his breath]
Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.
Milton Waddams: [as the waiter walks away] And yes, I won’t be leaving a tip, ’cause I could… I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I’ll take my traveler’s checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put… I could put… strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: Doesn’t it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?
Joanna: Yeah, but I’m not about to go in and start taking money from the register.
Peter Gibbons: Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.
________________________________________
Bob Porter: We’re gonna be getting rid of these people here… First, Mr. Samir Naga… Naga… Naga… Not gonna work here anymore, anyway.
________________________________________
[Stuck in traffic]
Samir: Mother… shitter… Son of an… ass. I just…
[punches steering wheel]
________________________________________
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and remember: next Friday… is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
________________________________________
Rob Newhouse: Conjugal visits? Mmmm. Not that I know of. Y’know, minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is: kick someone’s ass the first day, or become someone’s bitch. Then everything will be all right. W-Why do you ask, anyway?
________________________________________
Milton Waddams: I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she’s filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I’m collating so I don’t see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
________________________________________
Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven’t received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it…
________________________________________
Tom Smykowski: Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don’t have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?
________________________________________
Michael Bolton: Peter, you’re in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
________________________________________
Lawrence: [as Peter leaves to confess to Lumbergh about stealing money, knowing he may go to prison] Peter… watch out for your cornhole, bud.
________________________________________
[Peter, Michael and Samir are trying to figure out how to launder money]
Peter Gibbons: I can’t believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We’re looking up “money laundering” in a dictionary.
________________________________________
[Drunk, singing]
Samir: Back up in your ass with the resurrection.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you’re not feelin’ real well, does anyone ever say to you, ‘Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays’?
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ something like that, man.
________________________________________
Michael Bolton: Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. You haven’t been showing up, and you get to keep your job.
Peter Gibbons: Actually I’m being promoted.
________________________________________
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too…
________________________________________
Milton Waddams: The ratio of people to cake is too big.
________________________________________
Michael Bolton: You think the pet rock was a really great idea?
Tom Smykowski: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.
Peter Gibbons: Really, what was it, Tom?
Tom Smykowski: Well, all right. It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.
________________________________________
Lawrence: Doesn’t that chick look like Anne?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, a little bit…
Lawrence: Hey, she hasn’t been over here in a while. You two still goin’ out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I guess… I don’t know. Sometimes I get the feeling like she’s cheating on me.
Lawrence: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
Peter Gibbons: What do you mean by that?
Lawrence: I don’t know, man. I just get that feeling lookin’ at her like she’s the type of chick that just…
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: Look, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of being pushed around. Aren’t you?
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I’m not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Illegal? Samir, this is America.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray.
Joanna: From the crippled children?
Peter Gibbons: No, that’s the jar. I’m talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody.
________________________________________
Tom Smykowski: Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you’re gonna give *me* more money?
Bob Porter: [nods] Uh-huh.
Peter Gibbons: Wow.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: Boy, I’ll tell ya, some days… One of these days it’s just gonna be like…
[He mimics the sound of a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, walks up and does the same and laughs]
Brian, Chotchkie’s Waiter: So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?
Peter Gibbons: Just coffee.
Brian, Chotchkie’s Waiter: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
________________________________________
Joanna: Why don’t you just call me when you grow up! Oh, wait, you know what, that’s probably never gonna happen, so just don’t call me, OK?
[Joanna starts to close car door]
Peter Gibbons: Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
________________________________________
Samir: [trying to decide if he should go along with the virus plot] I have a question.
Peter Gibbons: Yes?
Samir: In… in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Peter Gibbons: Yep, you sure can.
Samir: OK, I’ll do it.
________________________________________
[Peter is wearing shorts, sandals and a paisley shirt, with his feet up on his desk, munching chips and playing tetris on his computer]
Bill Lumbergh: So, Peter, what’s happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?
Peter Gibbons: No.
Bill Lumbergh: Ah. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm?
Peter Gibbons: Not right now, Lumbergh, I’m kinda busy. In fact, look, I’m gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.
Bill Lumbergh: I wasn’t aware of a meeting with them.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.
________________________________________
[repeated line]
Nina: Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.
________________________________________
Joanna: You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don’t you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?
Stan, Chotchkie’s Manager: Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.
Joanna: Yeah. You know what, yeah, I do. I do want to express myself, okay. And I don’t need 37 pieces of flair to do it.
[flips off Stan]
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.
________________________________________
Samir: Is there some way to just give the money back?
Peter Gibbons: What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they’re missing? I think they’d figure that out.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: You know, corporate accounting is sure as hell gonna notice $305,326.13, Michael!
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: Hey, guys.
Michael Bolton: What’s up, G?
Peter Gibbons: Want to go to Chotchkie’s? Get some coffee?
Samir: Oh, it’s a little early.
Peter Gibbons: I gotta get outta here. I think I’m gonna lose it.
Female Temp: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: [discussing the possibility of going to prison] This isn’t Riyadh. You know they’re not gonna saw your hands off here, alright? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yes.
Michael Bolton: Shit. I’m a free man and I haven’t had a conjugal visit in six months.
________________________________________
Michael Bolton: I told those fudge packers that I liked Michael Bolton’s music.
________________________________________
Peter Gibbons: That’s what I’m talkin’ about when I talk about America!
________________________________________
Steve: I lied. Um… All that stuff I said about being a crack head? It just helps me sell magazines. I’m actually an unemployed… software engineer.
Peter Gibbons: You’re a software engineer?
Steve: Yup.
[sighs]
Samir: Things, uh… it must be very rough for you.
Steve: Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions, than I ever did at Intertrode!
________________________________________
Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you’re going to lose your job and you’re still here.
Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I’ll bet I’m the first one laid off! Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS…
________________________________________
Bob Slydell: [Telling Lumbergh who’s going to be fired] There’s two more people we can easily lose, and then there’s Tom Smykowski… He’s useless.
[laughs]
Bob Slydell: Gone.

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