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The Not-So-Great Escape May 2, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in contest, humor, pictures, work sucks.
9 comments

Create the funniest ending to this caption and win an overpriced t-shirt!
escape_jobs.jpg

“Much to Tom’s chagrin, his escape was thwarted when he tunneled into…”

Link to “original” post.

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Rules of Chogeyness #254: Wearing a tux to work automatically makes you a chogey. May 2, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in bad jobs, Chogeys in the Field, humor, pictures, Rules of Chogeyness, work sucks.
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work-sucks_tuxedo.jpg

It is obvious the subject (and photographer) of this photo has reached an advanced stage of chogeyness. Note his expression and the cut of his shirt. Pure chogeyness.

Original link to “Work Sucks.”

Wednesday: The Day That Defies Math May 2, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey, work sucks.
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It has become a part of the great American lexicon to refer to Wednesdays as “hump day”. I have always thought that doesn’t do the day justice. Sure, when you look at the cold, hard data, Wednesdays shouldn’t feel as good as they do.

Consider the math. Assume a typical chogey puts in 10 hours/day. When our hypothetical chogey wakes up on Wednesday (happy to have reached “hump day”), he has only worked 20 out of the 50 hours. Without further assumptions, the 3/5 of the week is remaining…more than half! Are marathon runners psyched to have ONLY 15.6 miles left to run? Do school children start getting ready for summer in the middle of February? Probably not…but herein lies the beauty of Wednesday: It defies all laws of mathematics…or does it. Let’s consider a few additional assumptions that may explain why Wednesday feels so good.

First, almost every bar in every city steps up their happy hour game on Wednesdays. While there’s no mathematical support for this, I submit that dollar draughts create a temporal distortion that actually makes the rest of the week shorter. Of course, this is only possible with proper buzz maintenance and hangover avoidance techniques. A hangover has been proven empirically to have a time-stretching effect that transports the chogey back to the Evil Treadmill—Tuesday. These are radical theories that will be explored further at a later time.

A more plausible (or at least mathematically supported) reason for Wednesday’s appeal is how the remaining 30 hours of “work” are spent. The graph below was created after gathering extensive data on how a typical chogey spends his/her week:

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While the total number of hours per day remains constant, the distribution across standard chogey activities (e.g. work, personal emails, net browsing, and “spacing out”) varies over time.

According to the graph, there are only 6 hours of actual work remaining on Wednesday. The remaining time is largely spent making plans for the weekend, spamming friends with funny emails, blogging , and the ever popular “spacing out”. THIS (and the dollar draughts) explains the goodness of Wednesday.

Spotting Chogey’s in the Hall of Mediocrity and Disgruntlement May 2, 2007

Posted by chogey6 in Chogeys in the Field, humor, life of a chogey.
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As a proud founder of the Chogey concept, I enjoy teaching my younglings how to spot and then mock chogeys in the environment. Today, I took my paduwan into what is known as the Hall of Mediocrity and Disgruntlement. For those of you who have never consulted for the government, you will not know of what I speak, but I am sure you will soon recognize your own local version of said locale.

Setting: Crystal City. Just south of the Pentagon there is a complex of government buildings in the center of which is a “mall” if you could call it that. There are 8 food shops, all selling the same food, with the same poor quality. At lunch, this becomes a beacon for chogeys, as they eagerly gather to tell tales of how the day is progressing and break bread consisting of an overpriced sandwich, chips and a coke.

Let us pull in for a closer look.

The first thing you notice is the demographics. 90% men. With 90% of those white. An immediate clue that we might be operating in a land a chogeys. This may seem racist, but I am white, and can recognize my own, so for those of you put off by my candor, go up to your favorites and punch in your favorite Hello Kitty link and have fun. For those of you still with me, you are soon going to learn, that this is how I roll.

So, here we are with a large collection of white men. Next is their clothing. Suits that do not fit. Or worse. Short sleeve button up shirts with a tie. When you see this attire on a man, you can immediately brand him a chogey. Think about it, who wears that? IT guys, supermarket managers, government workers whose best days have long since past.

But the true mark of a chogey comes out in words. Let’s walk by the lunch tables and listen to what we hear….

“I gave it to him for his guidance two weeks ago, and he still hasn’t gotten back….” Guidance = his “Opinion” and obviously the guy who is going to provide the ultimate decision. The chogey boy is betrayed by not only his lowly position that he must go get “guidance”, but also by the fact he has to wait two weeks for it.

“I had that same idea 4 months ago, but John brings it up in staff meeting and gets the credit and the project and promotion.” Again, the chogey is revealed by his sour grape nature and his lack of balls, that held him back from not only talking about an idea, but actually doing something.

“What this place needs……” Any statement about culture, climate, or general atmosphere in the workplace denotes a chogey. You are in no position to change it, (so you think) so you bitch. And, again, in classic chogey fashion, your victim mentality betrays your true nature.

So my younglings, you should by now be able to begin your quest to locate chogeys. White men, poorly dressed, bitching and complaining. Good hunting.

Bad Jobs: Walking Bratwurst Stand May 1, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in bad jobs, pictures, work sucks.
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Original Link on Flickr

Classic Chogey Moment: The TPS Report May 1, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, Office Space, Videos, work sucks.
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More Office Space Quotes here.

Chogeys in the Field: Possible Rallying Point May 1, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in Chogeys in the Field, humor, pictures.
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chogey-rebellion.jpg
This can only be the work of a chogey cell operating in the retail food industry.

Tuesdays: The Workweek’s Evil Treadmill May 1, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey, work sucks.
2 comments

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What is Tuesday like for a Chogey? The best explanation for this requires a little thought experiment. Imagine yourself held captive in a dark, musty dungeon. The only illumination in your cell is provided by a buzzing, flickering fluorescent lamp missing one of its support chains. Despite the complete lack of fresh air, the lamp miraculously sways…casting eerie snapshots of the room’s sole object—a treadmill.

As part of some demented psychological torture, your captors require you to stay on the treadmill for at least 8 hours a day. Sometimes you have to walk. Sometimes you have to run. Sometimes you stand still. There is no discernible pattern or reason…but you must remain on the treadmill to receive your daily gruel. Refusing to do so only lands you in another cell, on another treadmill—both just as bad as the last one.

Now, imagine that you have been on the treadmill JUST long enough for the wonderful afterglow of freedom to have faded…but not nearly long enough for the second wind that comes from knowing the end is near. That’s what a Tuesday feels like to a Chogey.

Chogey Checklist: #72 Hate All Former Chogeys that Become TOO Successful April 30, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in chogey checklist, humor, life of a chogey.
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Chogeys love to hear stories about their comrades breaking away and “sticking it to The Man.” Every chogey dreams of the possibility of turning their million dollar ideas (which all chogeys have) into their ticket out of Chogeydom.

The Dot.Com years provide countless legends of suspected chogeys having bags of VC money thrown at them with little thought given to long-term viability. The truth is, very few ACTUAL chogeys benefited from the Dot.Com craze…or its recent second cousin: Web 2.0.

A real chogey may draw hope and inspiration from the likes of Google, Digg.com, Napster, and MySpace…but actually hate those t-shirted, smirking CEOs who were able to break out of Chogeydom forever. Common reasons provided by active chogeys are:

  • “That idea is not so great.”
  • “I could have done that.”
  • “It’s all a bunch of hype!”

Chogeys of the world, what idea did YOU have first…but failed to get off the ground?

Famous Chogey: Mario April 30, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in famous chogeys.
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Ever feel like this driving in to work? If so…you’re probably a chogey.
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Mondays: The Chogey Day of Mourning April 30, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey.
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I would like to start by acknowledging that not ALL Chogeys begin their work weeks on Monday. Many of our Chogey Brothers and Sisters in retail don’t have the luxury of a Mon-Fri work week. While my heart goes out to this sub-class of Chogey (more on the Chogey Class System later), the “Seven Days of Chogeydom” is written primarily for the M-F Chogey. That being said…

For Chogeys worldwide, Monday is the Universal Day of Mourning. The day begins with the ritual Chogey expletive upon waking and the realization that Life’s Cruel Treadmill is ready to be mounted. Many Chogeys use a few minutes of quiet reflection in bed to exercise the “snooze” button in a vain effort to extend the weekend. It is common to use this time to figure out an excuse (ANY excuse) to avoid work. For most, this brainstorming continues through the clean up and grooming period. The point of no return generally comes once the work clothes are donned. There are many theories for why the work clothes diminish the will to avoid work, but those will be shared another time.

The Morning (or mourning) Chogey Ritual differs widely at this point. Some need coffee. Some read the newspaper (often hoping some calamity has struck their workplace). Some Chogeys even try to exercise. The end result is the same, however–the Pilgrimage of Pain.

The Pilgrimage of Pain can be as short as walk from the bedroom to the den or as long as cross-country flight to “the client site”. Regardless of the distance, time passes in Matrix-like “bullet time” that offers the maximum amount of painful reflection per unit of distance. Despite efforts to distract the mind through music, books-on-tape, or swearing/gesturing at other Pilgrims; there is always time to wonder “why”.

Eventually the Chogey arrives at work and settles in to The Routine. Unfortunately, The Routine is virtually indistinguishable from day to day. Although, the Day of Mourning usually has more email traffic to gather details/verify Chogey actions over the weekend. It’s not uncommon for one Chogey to ask another “did I really do that Saturday night” or “do you remember…”. These emails are quickly followed by either apologies or outright denials.

The Day of Mourning officially comes to an end once the Chogey crosses the threshold of his/her abode. With a mild sense of accomplishment or quiet resignation, the Chogey may crack a beer, watch “24”, and brace themselves for Tuesday…

Sevens Days of Chogeydom April 30, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor, life of a chogey.
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For many, the realization of being a Chogey comes in a blinding flash of insight. It is common for this epiphany to occur at 4am in front of a color laser printer, praying to the God of the Cyan Toner cartridge to allow ONE MORE “deck” to be printed. As devout Chogeys soon realize, the Gods of Toner (Cyan, Magenta, and Yellow especially) are cruel and often answer these prayers with paper jams or the divine introduction of typos. It is at this point that many first realize they are chogeys.

For those of you still unsure (or in denial), CU will describe the Seven Days of Chogeydom–how Chogeys view each day of the week. Up First: Monday–the Chogey Day of Mourning.

The Organizational Dynamics of Application Development Explained–with a Tire Swing. April 28, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in humor.
2 comments

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EO Profile #1: “Beater Fatmeadow” April 28, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in evil oppressors.
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EOP#1
Codename (because REAL names lead to legal issues): “Beater Fatmeadow”
Industry: Process Improvement
Title: Vice President
Crimes Against Chogey-dom:

  • Degrading his team using Army jargon–despite never having served a day in his life.
  • Using the phrase, “The harder you guys work, the sooner I get to run this business from the beach.”
  • Has his secretary respond to his emails because he’s got “zero bandwidth.”
  • Fat man in a little coat…

Welcome to Chogeys United April 27, 2007

Posted by pointyhead in Manifesto.
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Have you ever thought to yourself, “I’m sure glad I got an MBA so that I could make copies?”

Do you have multiple bosses…all of whom are dumber than you?

Can you quote “Office Space” from memory?

If so, you may be a “Chogey”…but you’re not alone.

We exist in every industry and our ranks span most every chose profession. We have become masters of PowerPoint, collating, Outlook scheduling, and MS Project. Our accomplishments have been hidden from Upper Management and claimed by those less talented, educated….and generally less worthy than ourselves. But our time is coming…

We must band together in unity to fight our corporate oppressors, to break free from the cube farms into which we’ve been herded. Let this blog serve as our underground rallying point where we can share stories, bond, and ultimately plan our revolution!

If you want to be part of the solution…jump on board! If not, stand aside and watch our rise.

More to follow…soon!